I lost myself in you – By Me, Erica
I lost myself in a person once. everyone says that though, right?
Every girl talks about this crazy love they had where they were
completely “lost” and it felt amazing and vital,
but it was short, like a flickering flame.
I truly lost myself in you.
I forgot that I love to sing, and I forgot what it felt like to look
in the mirror and like what I see. I forgot that Im intelligent. That I had important things people wanted to listen to. I forgot how hard I had fought to become who I am. I forgot that this type of happiness existed. I forgot what consistency felt like or how sometimes I prefer to stay in on a Friday night and watch Netflix.
And the most devastating of all, I forgot how to love myself unless it was coming from you. I loved you so much it hurt - it psychically caused me pain. We would mask all the bad with intoxicating sex, this is why put up with the relationship long after it was dead, but I was tired of pretending it didn’t hurt when it did.
You’ll never believe that you can be that person in an abusive and draining relationship. You truly don’t understand why people are
Staring at you with disbelief, and you certainly don’t believe when they say your better than him. I made up more excuses for you than I
ever did myself and I believed every single one of them.
That is not love.
Love is not forgiving the lies you told over and over again.
Love is not taking someone for granted. Love is not holding back from things you want to do because it isn’t worth the fight. Love doesn’t make you the worst version of yourself. Love is not being absolutely terrified that the floor could fall through any
second and everything could burst into flames. Love is not
being tangled, and oh we were so tangled.
There’s a dark comfort in this type of love - feeling needed.
I use to think that it was beautiful the way you showed
your fear of losing me. But really you just wanted to control me. You tested me, you tested me everyday,
to see if I was good enough, to see if I loved you
enough, if I was worthy, if I would do anything for you.
However, sometimes you can give a person everything
and its still not enough to fill the hole they have inside.
So now everyday is spent reversing the damage.
There is a strangeness in a healthy relationship.
The idea is somewhat uncomfortable. When your significant other picks up the phone, or watches
you pick up the phone, and no one is suspicious,
speculating, or angry. Being surprised when I
realize I believe the statement, ” You’re the girl for me”,
because he shows it. To know your plans won’t fall through.
That your not walking on glass, but solid ground.
Don’t get me wrong there are moments of regression.
Mending myself hasn’t and still isn’t easy, but can’t wait
to explore and try exciting and nerve-wracking things
with someone; not because I’m afraid their going to
leave, but because I know they’ll have my back
Inspired by an article on thought catalog altered by me to fit my life